And as a matter of fact I think I might. Who the fuck cares. Why don’t I just stay awake just to watch the world began another day. That’s fucking beautiful. Excuse my language, I’m kind of upset. You see, I just found out today my body decided it didn’t want to work properly and the baby I thought growing in me just doesn’t exists. I don’t care if you don’t care, who ever you are. But for those that do care, holy shit does my heart hurt. I could never imagine the pain others have felt. I didn’t think it was this unbearable. I can smile and go about my day. I can stay busy and not put any thought into what I’m experiencing, but the second the sun set is when my heart broke all over again. It’s weird. I used to come on tumblr and cry because some boy didn’t like me or some girl called me fat. All in which seem so painful at the time. I can’t stop tearing up. And to be honest I don’t even know if I can cry anymore.
It’s almost mothers day. In three days. I’m glad I found out before any one told me happy mothers day. I’m glad I only told a few people and didn’t announce to the world. What’s even weirder is this pain could be worse. I wasn’t using birth control, but we were not trying to have a baby. Just not avoiding it really. Some people ARE trying. Some people are so ready to have kids. And then some people loose their baby time after time again. I can’t be selfish. I’m not the only one.
But I can want someone to talk to. I can cry. I can try my best to cope with how I feel but I know my heart will always have a piece missing from what could have been. A piece of me. A piece of my boyfriend, my best friend. The little family we briefly fell in love with. I’m not sad because I fear in the future. I know now I’m perfectly normal. I can make a baby. We can make a baby. Timing was just off and the universe stepped in. I’m not sad because of any other reason then I fell in love. I fell head over heels in less than a week for a baby I never even saw an ultrasound for. I won’t ever know you. But that’s okay.
My whole life, I always knew I had someone watching over me.I never knew who, or put any thought into who. I just knew I was connected to some outside world. Even if that was just my way of having hope into someone helping me along the way. I know do know in fact I have someone who will watch over me. Without a doubt.
Feeling this way makes me want to love the world even more than I already do. As deeply as I ache, I really have no one to talk to about this. And talking to someone helps. It always does. I feel for the people like me. Who feel alone. It makes it even worse.
